my blue heaven

a glimpse into the life and mind of Kazzart.

Tuesday, April 30, 2002

Ugh I hope my last post sort of made sense.. and that I wasn't being offensive to anyone in particular. I'm finding it a bit difficult to express my thoughts with clarity, as usual, but more so now because I'm kinda sick. :( Anyway off to the gym for me now! Yay!
A new Kulture..?

Hmm.. I just took a look around this website that Andrew has mentioned, Injenue. It was interesting to read her blog. Much of what she wrote sounds very familiar to me, reminding me of my highschool days in year 9/10. Her blog (like many others out there) was personal, telling the world (wide web) about her problems. It reminded me of things I would have written in my diary years ago..

What am I trying to say. A couple of things... firstly that its sorta interesting, but not really suprising, to read about others who are going through the same things that I went through.. (that is, the feeling of being left out by your peers at school, the feeling of aloneness and rejection, of being out of the circle or clique, and the pain that comes with that).. I guess some things don't change over time. But its interesting and maybe somewhat disturbing to note that people nowadays have a way out.. a way to deal with this.. and that is through the internet. I'm not sure whether this is a good or bad thing. I'm leaning more towards the bad end of the scale. I guess for me, not having the internet culture and all these new technological advances, I found my solace in things such as music, my walkman, my fantasy and (god forbid!) teen romance novels, my diary.. and 1 group of true friends at a youth group I was able to attend on occasion (when my parents let me). Now people have websites and webcams and cyber-friends who are closer than people you know in real life and they almost live in that world. For some reason that disturbs me a little. I'm not sure what the answer is, or if there even is a right answer to this.

Another thing that I find a little disturbing is the idea of webcams. On the one hand, I wonder why someone would put up a live webcam (such as the one I'm watching at the moment) in their room. Sure it may not show any "dirty" material.. but still you know that guys or girls out there will be looking at you to check you out, wouldn't it make you feel a bit wrong? On the other hand, I can see the attraction in putting a webcam up. Especially if people comment on how good-looking you are. Everybody wants to feel attractive and popular, and now its so easy to establish this sort of thing with technology being where its at. Also I can understand that its fun and exciting to play with a newish toy such as a webcam. And for the same reasons that someone puts up a personal homepage, or writes in a blog like this, someone might install a webcam. Perhaps we're all just feeding our narcissistic tendancies. But I wonder about that fine line between webcam and porn.. and how that line can blur for some, and how easily they can drop into that pit and lose their integrity. I'm not saying that every person who has a webcam is dabbling in pornography, but I think it can be all too easy for some to fall into that temptation...

Anyway, I guess I am sympathetic to those who struggle with problems (such as being left out in their peer group) and I am trying not to be judgemental because I understand to some degree, but at the same time I wonder about whether it is right to go to such lengths in joining this internet community and whether there are other ways to deal with things.. there was a time the internet didn't exist.. what did people do then?

Monday, April 29, 2002

"At the end of the day they don't mean what they say, they don't say what they mean.."

I was re-reading the synposis of Jekyll and Hyde and I'd forgotten how depressing it was. Its probably my second favourite musical, after Les Mis of course! And then my third favourite is Miss Saigon. Geee.. they're all really depressing stories aren't they....

Anyway, click here to read the synopsis of Jekyll and Hyde (warning: this will spoil the whole storyline if you haven't seen it.)
Its been a while..

Wow its been a week since I've blogged. Its been a busy week. One thing that has happened is that I've started singing lessons again! Yay! Its been quite some time since I've had singing lessons.. or even since I've sung. I forgot how much I loved it! I'm taking them from my friend, Veronica, which is really cool coz I get to sing all these wonderful musical songs. Like stuff from Miss Saigon, Jekyll and Hyde, Sondheim, Andrew Lloyd Webber etc etc. Of course I'm gonna do some jazz numbers too. The song we decided to start with is "Once Upon A Dream" from Jekyll and Hyde.. coz its the easiest! But its also a really beautiful song..

Once upon a dream
We were lost in love's embrace
There we found a perfect place
Once upon a dream

Once there was a time
Like no other time before
Hope was still an open door
Once upon a dream

And I was unafraid
The dream was so exciting
But now I see it fade
And I am here alone

Once upon a dream
You were heaven-sent to me
Was it never meant to be
Was it just a dream

Could we begin again
Once upon a dream

Monday, April 22, 2002

Not a wonderful day..

I just spilt tea on my discman. Damn. Now the stop, forward and back buttons don't work. *sigh* I guess I needed a new discman anyway.

A new disease?

Heheh.. I found this rather amusing piece of news information from my work. Sometimes its interesting to work in the news and media industry.

Men obsess over organ size: study
Men's preoccupation with penis size was so prevalent that it could almost be classified as a disease, the British Medical Journal (BMJ) said. The BMJ asked its readers to name problems or conditions that were not classified as diseases but were tantamount to be considered as such by standards. The survey, conducted on the website, drew almost 200 suggested "non-diseases", many reflecting modern obsessions with image and self-fulfilment. The results proved that it was almost impossible to define what constituted disease and good health and the definitions changed according to the times, the BMJ said. Here is the Top 6, listed in descending order:
  1. Ageing
  2. Work.
  3. Boredom.
  4. Bags under eyes.
  5. Ignorance.
  6. Baldness

Something really cool just happened.. I got a message from an old primary school friend (from the website that I'd totally forgotten I was friends with in year 2!! I barely remember her, but she remembers me. She even remembers that a friend and I went over to her place for her 8th birthday party sleep over, and the 3 of us staying up most of the night talking. My gosh I can't really remember that, but her name does ring a bell now that I think about it. Anyway, she wants to have lunch or coffee to catch up.. man that'll be weird, but cool! I'm going to have to go look at my year 2 class photo's now! I don't know how people remember things so long ago! My primary school years and even some of my high school years seem like a blur.. a distant memory.. almost like it was a dream.. hmmm...

Special Ones

I saw George on Friday night.. they were awesome!! So worth seeing live.. they're alot better than their album. *sigh* I hope they come back soon so I can see them again! Also, I saw Ben Folds on Sat night, which was also totally awesome! He rawks! It was an excellent gig, he really gives a very entertaining performance and he's a brilliant pianist (I wish I could play like him).. quite worth the $64 (though I still wish it wasn't quite so expensive, I mean he does live in Australia).

So I had quite an enjoyable weekend of gigs. Two of my fave artists.. Ben Folds and George. Speaking of George, the first song I heard from them was "Special Ones" and that was what made me really like them! And I still love that song..

Isn't it funny how you never really screamed at my face,
but your anger so unspoken and unchannelled
permeates my essence to the point where I
Don't want to see you hear you, be anywhere near you,
you probably think I'm threatened by you
but your illusionary power doesn't threaten me
Actually I think it's kind of funny that you create an illusion that is a mirror,
I don't appreciate you and I know that that surprises you
I suppose you see that those who follow their heart always win,
those with integrity have won the match before it's begun

So rather than being kicked around, I'm going to kick you to the curb
So rather than being pushed around, I'm going to push you away first
So rather than trying to protect you, I'm going to cover my basses first
So rather than trying to open my heart, I'm going to lock it with a key
So that only the special ones can ever get through to me

Some can see beyond the barrier of threshold
whereas others can't see beyond their sculptured mould,
you could offer me nothing, you could offer me nothing that I need
Do you think I'm asking too much?
A kind of respect and trust that shouldn't even be questioned,
how can I open my heart with dishonesty sitting next to me?
I've honoured your honour to the point of embarrassment,
but innocence in the hands of the guilt-free is kicked to,
is kicked to the curb
I was ashamed of my innocence,
I was ashamed of my innocence
but now with clarity I see that your bullshit is just not worthy of me


I don't want to be angry....
I don't want to be angry....
This is not worthy of me and now with clarity I see that I can walk away,
I can walk away

Enough said...

Friday, April 19, 2002


Friday today... woohoo!! 5pm on a Friday afternoon.. WOOHOO!! :) Not that I hate my work or anything.. but I just like the weekend more! And I'm all excited coz I got a haircut and colour!! Yay! *squeals in girlish delight*

Anyway, home time for me. Tonight I'm seeing George at the Metro.. yay again! And tomorrow night I'm going to see Ben Folds at the Enmore Theatre... triple yay! This is quite a gig packed weekend.

Thursday, April 18, 2002

"Coz its you and me against the new technology.."

I went to a free gig today at Fish records.. the band playing was Waikiki. They were great! I'd never heard them before so I wasn't sure what to expect. It was quite a short gig... I think they only played about 6 or so songs, and there weren't very many people there. I liked it though, it was small and intimate, they didn't even have a stage. The drummer only had a snare and crash cymbal, there were 2 guitarists - acoustic and electric, and a female singer. The electric guitarist had a number of boss pedals.. I think digital delay, blues driver, and something else, maybe a flanger.. I can't remember.. (I'm only noting that for the interest of certain guitarist friend and boyfriend). :P Oh, and I bought their latest single "New Technology" and got it signed like a true groupie.. or should I say bandaid? :) I even got a "call me" written by the drummer when he signed.. hehe, now was that a pick-up or a joke? (Don't worry Andrew, he didn't write his number or anything, and of course I wouldn't call even if he did!!)

Wednesday, April 17, 2002

Gee its late

*Yawn*.. 6:45pm and I'm still at work. Ah well, I needed to catch up work anyway from all the time I've been wasting on this blogger.. :P Speaking of wasting time, check out my 80's alter-ego! :D

Who's Your 80s Movie Icon Alter-Ego?
Find out @ She's Crafty

Hehehe.. loves dancing and cute boys? Sounds just like me! ^_^ You know, now I've got to go and watch this movie..

Wednesday night tonight.. I should be at dance class now, but I'm not obviously. I haven't been for 4 weeks or so! I miss dance class, I used to go twice a week! I'm afraid now I'm gonna lose my technique, and when I go back I'll find everything really hard. :( But its difficult to fit dancing in with 2 nights a week devoted to jazz piano classes, 1 night to my bf and 1 night to glue.. I really need to practice on any spare night I can get, which is wednesday! Oh well, only 4 wks to go with jazz piano, then I can get back into dancing! And I guess I am working towards a performance at the Conservatorium! *oooooh!*


Incidentally, I had a really wierd dream the other night. It was quite vivid.. and I still sorta remember it. I dreamt that I was with my ex, as in we were together, but that I didn't like him and I was trying to get rid of him!! (Gee thats not nice hey..) I can't fully remember all of my dream, but I remember certain bits, as if they were some memory of something that actually happened. I think I remember somewhere in that dream that everything on the planet was gonna be destroyed, and that we all had to escape to some safe place (which was some tropical island somewhere, but it wasn't on earth(?)) and then come back after all the destruction had taken place. Hmm.. I'm starting to forget what actually happened the more I think about it now. I remember escaping on some wierd mode of transportation though.. which looked similar to a ship. I remember trying to escape from these small monster thingy's too.. and another thing I vividly remember is hanging from a bar just out of a doorway which was high above some body of water, maybe a pool. I think some people that I know were in the dream too, some people from my church. Bah.. I can't remember.. I waited too long.. next time I might write it down while its still fresh in my memory! I'm gonna go home now!
Help! I'm addicted!

Man, I think I'm addicted to blogging! And going by the frequency of Fjord and Vaniche's blog entries, it looks like I'm not the only one! :)

Anyway, last night I had dinner at the Hard Rock cafe with my bf because we had a 2-for-1 meal voucher.. and it was sorta in celebration of one of our month anniversaries. However, I'm not so sure about the wisdom of going there anymore.. See my bf's third love (after God, and me of course!) is the guitar and/or music (though at times I wonder if I get pushed to third.. :P). Its almost impossible at times to hold conversation with him for more than a minute because he'll be distracted by either:
  1. the guitars and musical paraphernalia all around him, or..
  2. the current song and video clip playing on the tv directly facing us.
*sigh* Not exactly the best place to hold a deep and meaningful conversation.. :)

"So would you.. dance with me.. dance with me..?"

On a different note, I just want to say that I'm am really itching to go clubbing again... SOON! Like I really really wanna go clubbing!!! And I will be... on the 26th! Yay!!

Well, I really should do some more work now..

Tuesday, April 16, 2002

My blue heaven...

Oh incidentally, for those wondering about my blog's title, aside from the obvious fact that this site is very blue in color (if not in mood), it is the title of a rather sweet jazz standard..

Day is ending
Birds are wending
Back to the shelter of
Each little nest they love

Nightshade's falling
Lovebirds calling
What makes the world go round
Nothing but love

When whippoorwills call and evening is nigh,
I hurry to my Blue Heaven.
A turn to the right, a little white light,
Will lead me to my Blue Heaven.

You'll see a smiling face, a fireplace, a cozy room,
A little nest that nestles where the roses bloom;
Just Molly and me, and baby makes three,
We're happy in my Blue Heaven.

You'll see a smiling face, a fireplace, a cozy room,
A little nest that nestles where the roses bloom;
Just Molly and me, and baby makes three,
We're happy in my Blue Heaven.

Lyrics: George Whiting
Music: Walter Donaldson

Aww how sweet... everybody after three.. one, two, three.. *awwwww....* :) And for those music buffs out there, its a song that Billy Corgan from the Smashing Pumpkins did a cover of. How unlike Billy that seems..

Which pop princess am I?

You’re Michelle Branch! You’re the ‘girl nextdoor’ type of gal. You’ve got a down-to-earth feel about you, and you’re not afraid to be original. You’re still trying to find your place in life, but that doesn’t mean you’re not enjoying the trip. Rich and famous? Sure! But you’re not gonna let that go to your head. ;D
What Kind of Pop Princess Are You? Quiz by Jonah

Awww... I wasn't Britney?? ;-P
Procras-ti-na-tion, pro-crasti-nation now begins..

I love these quiz thingy's on the net. They're so funny!

See which Greek Goddess you are.

I got a tie between Artemis and Aphorodite! But I think I lean closer to the love goddess, from doing the usual going back and changing a few "unsure" answers method.. :)

Monday, April 15, 2002

Ah the world these days...

Guess what, my dad's car was broken into today. It was parked at Parramatta btw 5 and 6pm.. and they smashed the back window and took his work laptop. Gee.. ah well, at least it was a work laptop and not his....

Gosh I'm tired... I went to the gym today which was great! I went on the crosstrainer machine, and I normally do about 10 mins.. and I get tired and puffed after like 2 or 3 mins usually, but today I went through the whole 10 mins without feeling tired! It was great! I haven't felt that fit since high school... and I was feeling so good that I did an extra 2 mins! I LIKE going to the gym! :) Also had my jazz Contemporary Keyboard class at the Conservatorium today.. which was good. I'm so bad though, I haven't practiced for the last 3 wks of this class.

Hmm.. I'm writing in a very boring manner. Must be coz I'm so tired and I keep getting interrupted by various members of my family. I don't know how I ever managed to concentrate on doing anything at home. I think I'll stick to blogging at work. Its no fun to blog while your brother is looking over your shoulder....

Anyway, I'm happy that I got some entries in my guestbook! And from strangers too! :) So whoever is reading this, make a comment... I wrote the guestbook myself using cgi/perl! (Hehe, I'm such a geek.. :\ ) Alright, I think I've strained my brain to its extent tonight... I'll stop for fear of making myself sound any more stupid. Time to go to bed! Here's a nice piccy to give you sweet dreams.... nitey nite!

"Just another manic monday..."

Hello. Monday again... ugh.. My second week of blogging..and I now have 2 archive links... *whoopee*. ;)

Thankyou Gav for signing my guestbook.. :) Hmm.. now that I know that more people are reading this, people who are close friends, I too (like Gav) feel somewhat inhibited in what I write. Interesting.. I wonder if I should ignore that feeling of "hmm maybe this is too personal".. and if I do ignore the warning, am I writing because I want it to be read, is it like a performance. And why not just speak these things in conversation, it feels like this is something an anti-social geeky type of person would do... (Btw, I must pause and say that my working in the IT industry has absolutely nothing to do with this feeling of geekiness! Just because I sit in front of the computer 8 hrs a day doesn't mean I'm a geek. Really. :P)


Anyway, since this blog is already fairly girly in its content and look, I may as well continue in this vein and talk about a certain 3 letter acronym beginning with P. For those guys out there that are clueless, I'm talking abt PMS. For those cavemen who still have no idea what that is, it stands for Premenstrual Syndrome - click on the link to find out more about it! So, last night I just started crying for absolutely no reason at all.. I felt all emotional and helpless and weak! I think my poor bf wasn't sure what to do. It was wierd, I never used to get pms that much or very bad at all. It reminded me of what my dance teacher Sue-Ellen Chester said once before class.. she was saying she'd just had one of "those" days where you feel like everything's on the surface of your skin, and if someone just looks at you wrong, you'll start bawling. I like totally identified with her last night! Well, I'm sure any guys who are reading this are starting to feel a bit squeamish so I'll stop now. :)

I was good today and brought in my lunch. Yay! I'm trying to save money... or rather, to spend less money! A much too difficult task for me unfortunately.

Friday, April 12, 2002

Goodbye work, Hello weekend!

Finally it is the end of the day. And the start of the weekend. *deep sigh of relief*

I have a few interesting things planned for the weekend.. tonight my youth group is having a progressive dinner. Should be fun! I am particularly looking forward to dessert at a friend's house... yummm.. hope he makes his cheesecake.. but whatever it is, I know he never disappoints when it comes to dessert! Then on saturday night I have a trivia night and an old uni friend's housewarming cocktail party. So it'll be Trivia night first, then dressing up and onto the housewarming.

Well, I must be off. Farewell.. and I probably won't be back till Monday!
Hungry hungry.. I'm so hungry...

Aiyah.. its almost 3pm and I haven't had lunch yet.. waiting for my bf to get here! The gym was good.. its fun punching the air and looking like an idiot while you do so, but getting great exercise out of it all at the same time. And I feel MUCH better now that I've had that shower. Ahhhhhh... Now all I need is FOOOOOOD!
Friday at last!!

Yep! Its finally Friday... *yippee!* Hehe, how sad the life of an IT professional who spends 5 days of the week looking forward to 2 days of the week. Anyway, I'm feeling much better today, mostly due to the fact that "its the start of the weekend..."! *sigh* Work really is getting rather boring today, I'll be glad to get out of here.

Hm.. 11:30am now.. almost time to go to the gym. Yay! I am in need of some exercise.. and combat class is so fun! Also I think I am in desperate need of a shower, but you really didn't need to know that now did you? :)

Thursday, April 11, 2002

I feel depressed... and I think I know why.

*sigh* I hate it when things get like this... when you feel like everything sucks and everyone hates you. One could almost start crying piteously for oneself if one wallows enough. But I try not to degenerate into that too often. ;)

I find it interesting however to analyse my thoughts when I am in this state. I catch myself thinking quite negatively about almost everything, when normally I would consider things in a more positive light. I find myself also alot more critical of other people's shortcomings. Hmm.. I have more thoughts on this, but I can't seem to be able to express them at the moment. Probably because I know I should be leaving soon for my Jazz Fusion class.. Oh well.
You Only Hide -- Something For Kate

so i keep watch
and you keep breaking
breaking formation to become
someone else
and your eyes become corridors
where i wander with a candle
calling out to you

and you only hide
because you know i'll find you

you say you just want to feel
the way you used to feel
the way you should feel
and i wander through
the lost city of you

and you only hide because you know i'll find you

I like that song... I think its beautiful.. its off SFK's latest album, Echolalia. Hmm.. I think its time to get some lunch/dinner...
After a few hours and a sore wrist...

I have finally achieved a few changes to my blogger:
  1. To have each days blog entries grouped into one box, rather than each individual entry in a separate box.. this took some time, much experimentation, and a greater understanding of how the blog tags are read and processed.

  2. To create my own heading graphic.. I have to say that I am quite proud of this creation, being only my second attempt at graphic design! The background image is from a photo I took down near Kiama, which I then scanned, and altered with the help of Adobe Photoshop 5 and Paint Shop Pro 6.

  3. To think up a more interesting title for this blog.. quite a task for my somewhat unoriginal mind. I still think my title isn't the most creative, but it'll do. :)
Anyway, welcome to day 3 of my blogger! Its Thursday today.. only 1 and a half days till the weekend... thats 1 and a half days too long!

Don't you just wish you were somplace else... the photo to the right looks so peaceful. (In case you were wondering, its the photo I took in Kiama that I used to make my header graphic. I like this photo! :))

Wednesday, April 10, 2002

A new recruit!

Ahh that sweet silence which marks the end of a work day. Yet again I find myself sitting alone in my cubicle, though now the silence is broken frequently by the sounds of giggling and chatter.. yep, me on the phone! I have just told a friend about this blogger, and consequently have recruited a fellow blogger! She can be found here.
Good morning the world of web!

My second day of blogging started with me being unable to login to blogger.. noooooo! After a bit of thought and frustration, I tried the "I forgot my password" link (duh!), and found that the username I'd been entering was actually wrong, and on top of that, it was different to the one I had originally chosen! I forgot that I had changed it whilst playing with the settings. Now, I think its bad functional design to allow a user the ability to change their username. But I suppose it is made possible with blogger using an id number to maintain uniqueness. Anyway, enough geek talk!

A beautiful heart?

Last night we watched "A Beautiful Mind". It was quite a good movie indeed. I found it conveyed schizophrenia from a personal perspective quite well - as in we were seeing things from Nash's perspective, and I really thought everything was real up until the moment of revelation.. just like Nash would have thought. It was quite cleverly done. The portrayal of things that seemed so real but in fact were actually fantasy was sort of scary. I am still actually trying to figure out which bits were fantasy.. like the Pentagon scene. But thinking over it now, and looking back, I can begin to see the subtle differences. The movie reminds me a little of Fight Club, how you have no idea until the end, and then if you think back, you go "Oh yeh...!"

I also found the love and committment the wife had for Nash quite moving. It really is true love when one can commit to another person like that for a whole lifetime, though you recieve no or little response from that partner, and it is constantly you giving your support and your all to that person for years on end. In the end it was her decision to love and stick with Nash that would have held them together. How different it is to today's society where people are in relationships for what they get out of it.. what you can do for me. And I admit that I fall into this temptation at times. Nash and his wife's relationship is a stark and harsher reality of what marriage requires.

Tuesday, April 09, 2002

"At the end of the day you're another day older.."

Finally the end of the day draws nigh. Tonight I'm going to watch "A Beautiful Mind" with my boyfriend... yay! I'm looking forward to seeing it actually. I was a bit hesitant about wanting to see it at first, but I think I'm finally in the mood to see it.

Ho hum.. I am unsure what I should write in this blogger now. I am currently treating it much like a diary, but I know most people will find that incredibly boring to read, unless they know me, in which case the whole idea of having an anonymous blogger for strangers to read is negated. Oh well I don't care. I like being able to post up my thoughts and ramblings, and maybe I'll eventually come up with something interesting to write. However, I am not the intellectual/philosophical type, so my writings will probably be fairly inane. If you want something deeper and more intellectual, go to Fjord.

Anyway.. I'm waiting.. waiting.. for him to call me and tell me he's leaving home.. *twiddles thumbs*..

And he calls! Yay! I should start packing up my stuff and get ready to leave..

Hm.. I'm the only one in my cubicle now. I like being in the office when its late and all quiet like this. For some reason I find I work (or surf :P) better at these times.. and its just nice to be one of the few ppl left or the only one left.. its peaceful..
*sigh* I love it when I step out the door of Fernwood gym feeling fresh, clean, wide-awake.. and rather hungry.. :) On that point, I think I'll eat my lunch now..
Yikes, almost 1pm. Gotta run off to Pilates class now. This has just been too addictive. Bad Kazzie.
Ahhhhh... much better.. yes, the "close all windows and restart IE" method has worked. This blogger thing is pretty cool. At the moment, playing with the html template has been keeping me thoroughly amused during the boring hours of work. I like making things look pretty! I'll probably even change the look/colours of this blog fairly regularly. Of course this isn't my own creation... I just took one of the templates on offer and modified it slightly. What I don't get yet is where the images referenced in the html are stored??? There doesn't seem to be any way of uploading images.
Argh what is happening to this blogger? Its suddenly slowed to a snails pace.. I cannot believe it just took almost 10 mins to update my html template. Grrrr...
Testing my first entry to this blogger thing.